How to Deal With Toddler Tantrums (OT Strategies to build emotionally intelligent children)

There is a lot of advice out there about how to deal with toddler tantrums, and much of it is conflicting. People will say ignore them… distract them… be firmer… be gentler… It’s no wonder parents feel so unsure about whether what they’re doing is actually the best thing for their child.

I want to start off by acknowledging that toddler tantrums are a normal part of development, but knowing this doesn’t make them any easier to deal with. They tend to peak between 2 and 3 years of age, when children have big feelings but very limited skills to express them. It doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong, and it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with your child.

In this post, I’m going to talk through how to deal with toddler tantrums using an OT lens, so you can respond in a way that supports your child’s development without overcomplicating things.

Before we jump into strategies, there’s something really important we need to clear up first.

Because not every big emotional outburst is a tantrum.

Tantrum vs Meltdown: They Are Not the Same Thing

This is where a lot of the confusion comes in, and why so much parenting advice around tantrums feels contradictory.

On the outside, a tantrum and a meltdown can look very similar. There can be crying, screaming, dropping to the floor, or big emotional reactions. But what’s going on underneath is very different, and that’s what matters when you’re deciding how to manage toddler tantrums.

A toddler temper tantrum is usually driven by frustration or an unmet want. Your child wants something they can’t have, is told no, or hits a boundary they don’t like. They’re upset, and right now they’re letting you know in the only way they know how. Even though the behaviour can feel intense, there is usually still some level of awareness and responsiveness there.

A meltdown is different. A meltdown happens when a child becomes overwhelmed and loses the ability to regulate themselves. At this point, their behaviour isn’t about trying to change an outcome or get something they want. It’s about their system being overloaded. Meltdowns can feel like they come out of nowhere, and it can be hard to pinpoint an exact trigger.

If you’re still unsure which one you’re dealing with, I’ve written a separate post that goes into this in more detail. You can read more about the difference between tantrums and meltdowns here.

And if you know that what you’re dealing with feels more like a meltdown than a tantrum, I’d strongly recommend reading my post on how to calm a dysregulated child, because the support needed there can be very different.

This post, though, is about how to handle toddler tantrums specifically.

Why Should You Listen to Me?

I always feel like this part matters.

Right now, I’m very much in the thick of handling toddler tantrums myself. I have a 3-year-old and a 1-year-old, so I’m not coming at this from a place of theory alone.

That said, this post isn’t written from a “mum advice” angle. I’m taking my mum hat off and putting my occupational therapist hat on.

Everything here is grounded in what I know about child development, nervous systems, emotional regulation, and what’s actually going on in little bodies when big feelings take over.

And one thing I harp on about a lot, because it’s so important:

Behaviour is communication.

Toddler tantrums aren’t your child being naughty, and they’re certainly not your child “manipulating” you, which is something I hear people say so often. They’re just your child telling you something, in the only way they know how right now.

Why Toddler Tantrum Advice is so confusing

If you’ve ever googled ‘toddler tantrums what to do‘, you’ve probably seen advice like:

• ignore them
• don’t give them attention
• send them to their room
• distract them
• negotiate
• give in
• never give in

And honestly, some of these strategies can stop the tantrum in the moment, and sometimes that’s exactly what you need.

But here’s the OT lens.

On their own, these types of strategies don’t help children develop the skills they need to:

• identify and regulate their emotions
• communicate their needs
• cope with frustration and disappointment
• adapt their behavioural response over time

Just because a strategy is convenient or effective in the moment doesn’t mean it’s supporting your child’s long-term emotional development.

Remember that we’re not just trying to stop tantrums today. We’re trying to build skills for the future.

That’s the bigger picture.

How to Deal With Toddler Tantrums: OT-Approved Strategies

1. Acknowledge the Feeling, Not the Behaviour

One of the most important parts of handling toddler tantrums is acknowledging how they feel without giving in to the demand.

This might sound like:

• “You’re really angry you can’t have that.”
• “That was disappointing.”
• “You wanted that toy and it’s hard when you can’t have it.”

This isn’t about ignoring your child in a moment of need, and it’s also not about encouraging the behaviour. It’s about acknowledging their emotions while allowing the behaviour to pass.

If your child keeps escalating after you’ve said this, that doesn’t mean it hasn’t worked. At this stage, you’re not trying to stop the tantrum. You’re helping your child feel understood while their emotions run their course.

By naming emotions, you’re teaching your child the language they’ll eventually need to communicate instead of using behaviour. This is a big part of building emotional intelligence and reducing the need for behaviour as communication as they get older.

2. Set the Boundary, Then Pause

Once you’ve acknowledged how they’re feeling, set the boundary clearly and calmly.

And then pause.

This is often the hardest part. Many of us start explaining, negotiating, or trying to reason our way out of the tantrum. But when a toddler is mid-tantrum, their brain isn’t in a place where it can process explanations.

So you might say:

• “I know you want the toy, but we’re not buying it today.”
• “I can see that makes you upset, but the answer is still no.”

Then you stop talking.

It can help to avoid repeating yourself or explaining the decision further. Often, less talking gives their body the space it needs and reduces the chance of things escalating further.

But do try to stay nearby, let them see you sit down in a particular spot so they know where you are, and simply be available when they are ready. What matters most is that you’re calm and predictable, not that you say the perfect thing.

Once the tantrum has passed and your child is calmer, that’s when talking, problem-solving, or practising skills like breathing can actually be better implemented.

3. Be Careful With Time Outs

Time outs are often suggested for tantrums, but they’re not always helpful, especially for young toddlers.

Being sent away during a tantrum can make some children more distressed, because they’re already struggling and don’t yet have the skills to calm themselves.

If you do use space, think of it as time to calm rather than punishment.

That might look like:

• sitting nearby while they calm down
• staying in the room but giving physical space
• calmly saying, “I’m here when you’re ready”
  

You don’t need to hover, but completely withdrawing can make things harder for some toddlers. They still rely heavily on adults to help them regulate.

4. Reconnect After the Tantrum Ends

Once the tantrum has stopped, reconnecting is important.

This doesn’t need to be a big conversation or a lesson. Simple connection is enough:

• sitting together
• reading a book
• playing
• offering a cuddle if they want one

When this approach is used consistently, toddlers start to learn that tantrums don’t change the outcome. Over time, this reduces how powerful the behaviour is, and tantrums often become shorter or happen less often. The boundary stays the same, and once the behaviour has stopped, things move on as normal. It’s this consistency, repeated over time, that helps tantrums gradually reduce and supports your child to find other ways to express their emotions.

5. Practice Skills Outside of the Tantrum

Most of the skills we want our kids to use during big emotions need to be practised when they’re calm.

Things like:
• naming emotions
• taking breaths
• asking for help
• coping with frustration

If a strategy doesn’t work during a tantrum, it doesn’t mean it’s useless. It usually means your child’s nervous system isn’t ready to access it yet.

Many of these skills are part of broader emotional regulation development, which I explain in more detail in my post on how to support emotional regulation in children.

Tantrums usually happen because toddlers are still learning how to cope with big emotions. When you consistently use these strategies, over time you’ll notice tantrums becoming shorter, less intense, or easier to move on from. And this is often how you start to see that the strategies are working and that your child’s emotional regulation skills are developing.

Toddler Tantrums at Bedtime

Toddler tantrums at bedtime are common and often linked to fatigue. When children are overtired, their ability to cope with frustration drops quickly, which can make tantrums feel more intense at night. The same strategies outlined above apply, but consistency and minimal talking are especially important at bedtime.

Handling Toddler Tantrums in Public

Handling toddler tantrums in public can feel especially hard. There’s often more going on around you, less time, and that uncomfortable feeling of being watched, which can make everything feel more stressful than it actually is.

The same strategies outlined above still apply when handling toddler tantrums in public, but real life doesn’t always allow for the ideal response. Sometimes you’re late, you need to get things done, or you simply don’t have the capacity to sit it out. In those moments, you do what you need to do and move on.

If you do need to give in or negotiate, how you do it matters. Try to avoid turning it into a big moment. For example, arguing back and forth and then saying “Fine, you can have it” after a long standoff puts a lot of attention on the tantrum itself.

A calmer approach might look like handing over the snack or changing plans without much commentary, then moving on. Keeping it low-key reduces how much weight that moment carries. And if you’re consistent with your boundaries most of the time, then the occasional quick fix isn’t going to undo everything you’ve already put in place.

Why Strategies Take Time to Work

Every child is different, and strategies won’t look exactly the same for every toddler. It’s very common to try something and feel like it hasn’t helped, but emotional regulation skills usually develop slowly, through consistency and repetition over time, rather than after one or two attempts.

A good example of this is the breathing strategy. It’s something I’ve been working on with my three-year-old since he was around 18 months old.

Recently, he woke up from his nap feeling unsettled and dysregulated. He wasn’t upset about being told no or wanting something he couldn’t have. He was just out of sorts, the way toddlers often are when they wake up.

He came out of his room crying and sat on his play mat. I sat with him, tried to connect, and played alongside him. It helped a little, but he was still breathing quickly and didn’t seem settled in his body.

After a moment, he took a big breath in and slowly let it out. I could see his body relax almost straight away. He looked at me and said, “Ahh, I feel much better now.”

I didn’t make a big deal of it at the time, but inside I was mentally high-fiving myself. That simple strategy, which we’d practised many times over the years, had become something he could access on his own.

Frequently Asked Questions: How To Deal With Toddler Tantrums